would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
