She's JV to your varsity
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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