remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
