i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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