I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
