when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
