my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
