I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
