i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
