I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
