i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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