I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
