I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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