you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
