Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Success! We fucked roommates!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
