Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
