Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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