Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
