she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize