atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
