That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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