just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
