I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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