I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
