I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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