I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
