the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
