the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Pants are for mortals
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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