u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i think my mom watched the whole time
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I have fence marks all over my body
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
