so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
