I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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