highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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