Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
