Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
