My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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