we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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