my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize