listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm like, not good at living.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
