Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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