Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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