I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
