i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
