just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
