omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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