I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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