I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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