I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
