6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
