The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
