My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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