I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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