you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
