I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
