I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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