Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
