I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
