the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
