Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
