im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
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I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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