That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
